Tuesday, August 12, 2008

One of Those Days

Or weeks, I should say. I was having an awesome last few months -- I couldn't seem to stop writing, I was on a roll. Revised chapters and new material flyin' outta my butt faster than a monkey flings poo. I rode it for as long as possible because I know my cycles, and I knew it wouldn't last. I tend to have a very consistant up / down pattern in regards to creativity, with the only variable being the time spent in up or down mode (in relation to writing, not moods. they are somewhat related but creativity seems to set its own schedule regardless of the happiness or the crankiness I may swing towards from time to time, and sometimes seems to carry on in spite of it).

The longest up-cycle I can remember ended about 10 days ago. Admittedly, it lasted longer than I thought it would, and I was grateful for the extra oomph it gave to my writing.

But now I'm in a down cycle, and I'm bored as hell. I want to write. I want to show some love to existing and yet to be created characters. It's been incredibly frustrating sitting in front of the computer, both with a blank screen and an existing work, and not being able to draw on that creative energy.

I understand part of it is psychological. I was frustrated with my revisions, still am, and it's probably the reason I can't seem to gather the energy to work on that particular project. I thought it was burnout creeping up on me and so took a week long break, but it didn't seem to help. Stress at work hasn't helped any either, though I've become an expert at leaving work at work.

(For those of you keeping track, Staples -- the company that recently bought us out --- has decided to keep my department, citing that we are needed to service this part of the country. Business talk for we don't yet know what the crap you do but you're efficient so we're keeping you on. But while they may be keeping the department, that doesn't rule out the possibility of "trimming" and so all my coworkers twitch and jump and go off on little things, which is becoming highly irritating as one of the vendors I handle seems to be on their shit list, so I'm really feeling the love these past few weeks.)

Adding to the pity party here a little bit, I think I may be going through another mental adjustment and it's shaking my confidence. It's kind of a tough phenomenon to explain, but lemme try. Hell, you all are writers too. Let me go all psychology on my own arse here for a minute.

You know when you're younger and you suddenly realize you're not as smart or mature as you think you are? It's not necessarily an all-at-once change... maybe it's just that you look at yourself 5-10 years ago and think "wow, was I really like that?" You know what I'm talking about? You clearly see the difference between now and then, even if you don't remember exactly when the change happened or what triggered it. It's one of those things. Except I know it's happening. And it's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just eye-opening. And not good for my confidence. Whenever this happens I usually start questioning everything and, like I said, it shakes my confidence.

Maybe that's why I'm in a funk? I don't know. Whatever the cause, I want to track it down and kill it like a bad character so I can get on with my writing. Sunday night I was sitting around being fidgity and anxious, and I realized it was because I'd broken my reading / writing habit.

Grr, I says. Grr.

LKH blogged about something similar. Maybe it's contagious.

Anyway, I'm off to fight my personal demons and the forces of evil and angry coworkers and all of that. I'll try to post something more positive tomorrow, I promise!

Quote of the day:

(Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
Marvin: [as they are gazing at the wonder of Magrathea] Incredible... it's even worse than I thought it would be.


No comments: