Gobble, Gobble Bitches!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

(To those of you outside the US, have a happy whatever day it isn't, and go enjoy some Turkey -- or tofurkey -- for us anyway. Come on, you know you want to indulge in a turkey-laden food coma!)

And just because I can, imma post the Sarah Palin interview FAIL. Oh yes. Some of you know what's coming.



Meanwhile, we have Thanksgiving wishes from Head Trip Comics (which is from last year but still relevant), Scalzi does an article about things he's thankful for in the SciFi movie universe, Niel Gaiman shows us how he makes cranberry sauce (which he calls jelly, and rightly so), CNN does a top 10 turkeys of 2008 article (it's political so avoid it if you're not into that sort of thing), people keep trying to deep fry their turkeys and end up setting the house on fire, and mental_floss gives you Manly Ways to Prepare Turkey which includes how to make Turducken. Oh, and Smart Bitches says thanks, too.

The Daily Show does Thanksgiving, too!

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Thanksgiving

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

On a more serious note, President-elect Obama wishes everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. In case you don't want to read the transcript, here's the video:



And...

I FINISHED MY SECOND DRAFT YESTERDAY!!!!! Eeeeeeee!!!!11!!one!!!1!!eleventy!!!!1~

I've got the thing out to a few betas to see what other shit I have to fix. In the mean time, I've got a few chapters to crit for someone else, a house to clean (amigahd people are coming over later and I just now remembered this o_O), some food to prepare, hair in need of washing, and a multitude of other things including homework.

Wait a minnit, what happened to my nice relaxing four day weekend??


Quote of the day:

"Good food food... good meat... good God, let's eat!"


~Sass~

Hee!

I just realized something. Normally the holy trinity in Urban Fantasy is fangs, fur, and fey -- FFF. What's my holy trinity? Fangs, fur, and scales -- FFS.

I don't know about you but I think I just won at acronyms.

Also, I've worked through chapter thirteen (of seventeen) for revisions and consistency checks. Draft two is almost complete!


~Sass~

WoW in the White House

This is so full of win I can't hardly stand it. Obama appointed Kevin Werbach to help co-chair his FCC transition team. Why is this exciting? Because Mr. Werbach plays WoW. (Obama also appointed Susan Crawford, but she's a Still Life player and that just isn't as uber as a WoW player.)

"In preparation for his incoming administration, the two, both seasoned Net Neutrality advocates, will be tasked with providing information on U.S. government Internet and telecom policies, along with advising on budgetary and personnel matters."

Kevin blogged about his WoW habits a while back, and I gotta tell you, I'm making little squee noises over here about having this guy on that team. I mean, he gets it. This guy is not out of touch with the post Baby Boomer generation. This guy doesn't think the internet is a series of tubes. He has multiple characters in two different guilds and actually sees real life applicable opportunity in online gaming.

I must worship this manz. And kudos to Obama for an excellent pick.


~Sass~

Ozzy Does WoW

Amigahd this is the best one yet!



And this.... this is hilarious. There are no words.





~Sass~

I did it!

I finally got that stupid final scene re-written! Eeeeee!!!!!

(For those of you keeping track, it's taken me way longer than it should to revise this novel. So long, in fact, that I'm putting off my homework to indulge in a gigantic creative streak just so I can have a shot at getting it done before Thanksgiving... 'coz I want to play WotLK, damn it.)

So now, on the novel to do list:

-- finish re-writing denouement, thus officially finishing draft 2 *squee!*
-- run through draft to check for consistency in changes
-- consult trusty beta readers (I heart you guys!)
-- possibly participate in The Beta Project
-- take Beta opinions into consideration and make corrections where necessary
-- write the damned synopsis and query thingy already
-- start accumulating rejections


So yeah. This stuff, I shall do it. Onward!



~Sass~

The Week in WTF

Remember that spider picture email chain I linked to you guys the other day? The one where he was trying to pay his bill with a picture of that spider? Um, yeah. Someone put the spider picture up on eBay. It sold for $10,000.


Some British dude cuts off his own head... with a chainsaw. I'm not an expert in suicide, but there's got to be some easier ways to go.

"He thought through how he was going to commit suicide very carefully. He went to a great deal of trouble."

Phyall, who had been drinking alcohol but not taken any drugs, tied the chainsaw to the leg of a snooker table and plugged it into a timer.

Police were called to his apartment in Bishopstoke, southern England, on July 5 when his parents could not contact him.

Requesting the parents to remain outside the property, officers broke in and found the walls and floor covered in blood, with Phyall's partially decapitated body in the lounge.

Man caught with penis in pasta jar. The title kind of speaks for itself.

Police believed Weatherley was doing something with his hands in his lap and thought that he might have a weapon.

Weatherley saw the police and drove away, despite them flashing their lights.

The chase lasted five to 10 minutes, with a top speed of just 20 kmh, before Weatherley was stopped at Centenary Drive, Newcastle. He refused to leave the car.

Four officers used batons and capsicum spray to remove him.

They found a 750-millilitre jar around his penis and noted that Weatherley attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling".

Australia has a new political party. This one is pretty full of win, actually. I think some heads would explode (no pun intended) if they tried to make that party legitimate in the US.


Um... yeah.




And that was your week in WTFery. Happy Friday!



~Sass~

Twilight: Final Review

Okay, I've had a day to calm down from yesterday's "amigahd!" moment.

And all I can think about is Twilight. The first thing I did this morning when I got to work was run over to Stephenie Meyer's website trying to find an inkling of what she did to sell this book, what her pitch was, so that I could maybe get a better understanding of what she intended when writing the book. (Which I didn't find, and I may try to email her about, because I am that curious. I want to know how she sold this thing.)

Instead, I head to the movie section. Proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes reading info and watching clips.

Despite wanting to punch the main characters in the face, despite feeling robbed of my uber climactic vampire fight there at the end, despite feeling somewhat cheated in my reading experience for various reasons including the lack of vampire fighting, I want to read more. I want to read the other three books. And I don't know why.

I mean, she obviously did something to grab me and suck me into the story as a reader. I think I'm so pissed because my writer side and my reader side are duking it out. My writer side tells me "look, she was inconsistent with Bella's character. She displayed a lot of TSTL syndrome and yet had brief flashes of true intelligence. She fluxuated between depressed and happy so much that she left the bipolar readers in total awe (the behavior of which was unrealistic). Bella's dad was not a chief of police no matter how many times Meyer mentioned it -- he was not a cop personality. Edward is downright creepy (he reminds me a lot of my very controlling and mentally abusive ex boyfriend, which is admittedly most of my problem with this book) and acts like he's eternally 15 years old with an unhealthy puppy love obsession despite being a very much in control 100 year old vampire before meeting Bella. There were too-convenient setups and plot twists everywhere. She sucked at scene transitions. The conflict of the story was internal and lead the readers around in virtual circles for 400 pages before finding external conflict that escalated so fast it stole my breath. Literally, I think the plot was 'they fall in love and shit happens.' (Okay, maybe there was something in there about Bella finding a purpose or something, but it wasn't a main focus.) Then she let the readers down by having Bella pass out DURING the climactic scene, which, while realistic, is a horrible way to tell a story. Oh, and they sparkle. SPARKLE. What the hell? Vampires do not sparkle!"

And then the reader part comes back and says "but it was damned interesting, wasn't it? Like a reality TV show. Why do people watch those? They know it's silly, they know it's contrived, they know the cast is always going to be so outrageously over the top because people become idiots when money is at stake and they're on TV... but it's so friggin' entertaining. And you were entertained, weren't you?"

To which I grit my teeth and mumble, "yes, damn it. I was. But you repeat that to anyone and so help me I will make you pay."

I still maintain that this is very much a Romeo and Juliet story. For those of you that might make a positive association with that play, let me tell you how *I* view it. It's my personal opinion that Shakespeare was making a statement about young love. He was telling us that yes, even in his time, teenagers could be raging idiots. In the span of three days these two teenagers fall for each other so hard that they can't stand the thought of bein apart and through some seriously effed up events end up committing suicide "for love." (A viewpoint which I didn't take until I was several years out of high school... because in high school, I thought it was the most romantic thing ever.)

This is basically how I view Twilight, and it's also the reason I want to punch Edward and Bella in the face -- because they freely admit to knowing their infatuation isn't healthy and they both agree the other would be better off without them. And yet, they don't care. They're like fuck it, let's enjoy our time together. Admirable. Enfuriating. Soap Opera drama at its best, and it sucked me in. I should feel ashamed of myself. But it isn't going to stop me from reading the other three books, is it?

No, no it's not. Damn it.

Then I go on to read about where Meyer got the idea and got Twilight published and stuff. Typical busy-mom writer story about how she wrote in her free time, someone encouraged her to publish the thing, and she did. That was the typical part. Here's the not so typical part: from the time she sat down to start the book and got it published, it was six months start to finish. SIX MONTHS. A few years later and she's a worldwide best seller with a huge movie deal.

I think I hate her now. Jealousy is clawing its way out of my cold little heart. Is my skin turning green? Do I have steam coming out of my ears? How did this become such a huge phenomenon in such a short time? I have bookshelves full of better material.

But it isn't the same material, is it? Meyer hit the nail on the head -- I don't know if she meant to, but she took a love story and a vampire story and made it mesh together in a very unique way. And what sells these days? Stories that stray from the norm. She strays really far from the norm in just about everything in that book. And it got her attention. She stands out. That is why these things are so popular.

I mean, look. Everyone talks about her book. There's reviews everywhere (hello, I just made how many review posts on it? Yeah, ELEVEN, including this one). Smart Bitches did four: one specifically about edward, one that reviewed the book and gave it a D-, one that showed a spoof trailer (which is so full of ossim and amazing it's ridiculous), and one that was trying to figure out the deal with the movie posters. There are hypothetical letters from Edward Cullen to Sarah Palin (coz the Cullens moved from Alaska to Washington), two comic strips (here and here) from headtrip comics, at least one major discussion thread on AbsoluteWrite by published and hopeful authors (which is just one set of forums I troll... and there is probably a lot more to be found, I'm sure) some of which is positive and some of which is fraught with WTFery, and even an MSN Movies article that does another spoof about Twilight: The Lost Script. There's anectdotal evidence everywhere of people loving the secondary characters, of showing up to Midnight Release parties. People that hated the book are spreading the word as fast as they can... which makes others want to read it despite the negative opinions (because we as people like to experience things for ourselves, especially if it's as fucked up as everyone says it is).

So yeah. I can hate this thing all I want, I can talk about burning it and punching people in the face, I can rant all day long about how much of an unhealthy relationship Meyer writes about and how no teenager should ever read the books lest they try to validate their own craptastic and possibly abusive relationships, I can rant for pages upon pages about just creepy Edward and I-need-to-validate-my-life-through-someone-else Bella, never mind any other issues, but at the end of the day...

I still want to read it. I have to. I have to know what happens, and how badly it all goes to hell. What the hell is wrong with me?

/sigh

Basically: I don't get it. And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go cleanse my brain with some actual work.

Quote of the Day:

(Romeo and Juliette)
Romeo: Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn.
Mercutio: If love be rough with you, be rough with love. Prick love for pricking and you beat love down.


~Sass~

Chapter 24 and Epilogue

Yep, last post. In case you missed it, here were the previous chapters:

Prologue, 1, 2
Chapters 3, 4, 5
Chapters 6, 7, 8
Chapter 9, 10, 11
Chapters 12, 13, 14
Chapters 15, 16, 17
Chapters 18, 19, 20
Chapters 21, 22, 23




CHAPTER 24

Oh Meyer you BITCH you took my vampire fight away from me! @%%@$%&*!%@#$!#$% How fucking anti-climactic was that?? *prepares to throw book across room*

Fell down two flights of stairs and out a window? Yeah. Coz that explains a vampire bite on her hand, and, yannow, knuckle and boot-shaped bruises all over her. Riiiiiiiiiight. And I'm sure everyone believes that Edward didn't push her down these imaginary stairs when merely a few days before Bella ran out of the house all emotional screaming that she broke up with him and was flying to Arizona. (I mean, both were lies, but come on. A third grader wouldn't believe that shit, even with the fabricated evidence.)

Oh good, at least someone is on to Edward's obsessive behavior.

He's on the verge of breaking up with her for her own good. DO IT. Do it or so help me I will find a way to punch your fictitious self!

*headdesk* Help me, emo-one kenobi, you're my only hope. *headdesk*

"I'll be the first to admit that I have no experience with relationships," I said. "But it just seems logical... a man and a woman have to be somewhat equal... as in, one of them can't always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have to save each other equally."

^^ Rational thinking. I think I just fainted.

... And then she turns around and says that she basically can't live without him. Make up your damned mind. Are you TSTL or are you smart? Pick one.

"It's possible to take bravery to the point where it becomes insanity." Do you see this? This is me glaring.

Pain meds, promises, and we're done. I am very unsatisfied right now.


EPILOGUE

The Prom. *snort*

Aww, poor Jacob. That guy is sweet. He's got a message for her, what is it? HA! Billy Black doesn't believe the stairs excuse, either. I like that guy.

I love you... I'm not worthy... I love you... I'm not worthy... gawd, get over yourselves already. Bella has an excuse but you're a hundred years old, Edward.



CONCLUSION

Can I just say worst climax EVER in the history of bad climaxes? There was so much buildup in that short period of time and then the story just... stopped. I waited 400 friggin' pages before outside conflict happened and then there was no climax. What. The. Hell. Okay, yes, there was an emo-filled happily ever after, but it was wholly unsatisfying as a) there was no climax to come down from and b) they are such a disaster that you know, even without the other books, that they are going to have issues after the temporary HEA is over.

Now that I've given you a play-by-play of my reactions I wanted to give you a general "this is what I think and why" but I'm too pissed to do it right now. Maybe tomorrow.

Fuck, I have three more of these damned books to read. Someone shoot me.


~Sass~

Twilight 21-23

CHAPTER 21

Alice has a vision of... Bella's mom's house. That can't be good.

Oh hey, phone call and it's Bella's mo-OH MY GOD IT'S JAMES. And look, Jasper the empath is conveniently out of the room right now, so he isn't there to feel that Bella is freaking the fux out. And while I'm thrilled at the increased amounts of action, it's just a little eyebrow-raising that James would go after her mom to lure her out for snack time. Is he that obsessed with finding one measly human? There's millions of others out there, dude.

Then again, it would really piss off Edward.

Never mind, carry on. You get one get out of jail free card for the too-convenient plot twist as long as we see Edward suffer and Bella's mom doesn't have to die.

And of course she stops to write a letter to Edward before going off to die. Gotta keep up the emo!


CHAPTER 22

Alice has another vision, and she says Bella's name and looks frightened and stuff, but then says everything is fine. What are you up to, little miss psychic? How come you aren't spilling the beans? You know what she's up to. She's gonna ditch your asses so she can go save her mom TSTL style.

Yep, there she went. Used the good ol' bathroom trick in the airport when they went to pick up Edward. (Why doesn't she wait for Edward, you ask, or bring anyone with her? 'Coz James will KEEL her momma if she does, that's why. In case you were wondering.)

Shuttle... cab ride... home to get the number James left for her... running, running, running...

Oh James you sneaky little bastard. I want to have your babies. You are everything a vampire should be -- ruthless, intelligent, and oh so evil. (Not gonna expand on that one as it's very spoilery, but those of you that read it know what I'm talkin about with the Ballet place and stuff.)

And he... wow. Wow. Bella actually gets injured? No deus ex machina before the blood flows? Meyer, I'm shocked.


CHAPTER 23

Oh Christ now she's calling Edward's voice the voice of an angel. Gag me with a spoon.

Hey? Where did James go? #*$%&@#$%!#@$ I wanted a vamp fight god DAMMIT! Where is my vamp fight?

/deep breath
/calm down

Okay, fine. But you better have one for me later.

How friggin' sweet and stuff -- Edward has supreme control over his blood drinking self even while she's bleeding. Aww. Idnit speshel. /hurl

What? Hey! The chapter is over already? Friggin' cheat. That didn't even qualify as a quarter of a chapter, and now I gotta wait until I get home to read and review the rest. Sigh.



I find myself becoming strangely addicted despite wanting to punch Edward and Bella in the face. Why? Do the gods laugh at me? Are they having fun at my expense? Why do I feel this need to take just a liiiiiiiiittttle bit longer lunch and finish the book? Why do I want to know what happens? This is mind boggling, and I shall spend the rest of the afternoon thinking about it. Along with DA's question about "how would you give someone directions from the north pole?" (That's a hard one, that is... everything is south from there.)

More to come later today. I'm strangely looking forward to it. Quick, someone slap me.


Previously reviewed:
Prologue, 1, 2
Chapters 3, 4, 5
Chapters 6, 7, 8
Chapter 9, 10, 11
Chapters 12, 13, 14
Chapters 15, 16, 17
Chapters 18, 19, 20

Coming up:
Chapter 24 and Epilogue


~Sass~

Twilight 18-20

YAY drama that comes from outside the emo couple! /popcorn


CHAPTER 18

Burgundy predator eyes? Excellent! But meh, the lead guy has a French accent. We need to see some crazy vamp accents sometime. Like Canadian. (I just snorted at the thought of a Cannuck vamp. "I'm gonna suck your blood, eh? Hoser!")

Ooooo, tenseness between Edward and one of the other doods. Snarling, teeth baring. James is hungry. Come onnnnnnn, vamp fight! (They won't, unfortunately. They agreed to keep the peace and go home to the Cullens' etc. But hey, I can dream.)

Running... driving away... osnap. James is apparently gonna give Edward a run for his money (Edward can hear thoughts, and I guess James is all "yer chick, I shall eat her. and it will be good"). Finally, some really interesting conflict!

"Bella, please just do this my way, just this once," he said between clenched teeth. Hon, I don't know if you noticed, but she does it your way a lot. And unclench your teeth plx. You're moody -- we don't need you to be cliche, too.

Nice planning by Bella. There actually is a brain under all that emo. Looks like we're goin' back to Phoenix, AZ!


CHAPTER 19

Woah. Emo girl can act, too. She's throwing a truly hellish breakup tantrum in order to get out of the house believably. Kind of feel bad for Charlie, though (her dad). She's gone beyond hitting below the belt. She's downright K.O.'d him. Tho he isn't acting like chief of police or whatever he is. For being law enforcement he sure does freeze up a lot around emotional wimminz. Nice guy, but you can tell Meyer doesn't know any cops.

James followed them! /popcorn

Amighad I love chase scenes! Decoys and ambushes and escapes, oh my! And Edward and Bella have to split for a few days. I thought this was good until I remembered that she's prone to bouts of depression. Ahh, well. I can put up with it if I get a vamp fight. Lurves me those vamp fights.


CHAPTER 20

Washington to Arizona in a day. Must be a new land speed record.

Travel, travel, travel... Oopsie, James caught on. He's on a plane now. The Tracker is on the hunt... Sleeping, calling peeps, onoes Alice has a vision, Bella leaves a message for her mom, more sleeping...

... and chapter ends.



Okay, that was an excellent change in pace. We were minimal on the emo except for a few zomg I heart you moments, and it seems like people are acting kind of... intelligent?? It's, like, mind-boggling. Too bad it took almost 400 pages of train wreck to get to this point.


More to come. Stay tuned!


Previously reviewed:
Prologue, 1, 2
Chapters 3, 4, 5
Chapters 6, 7, 8
Chapter 9, 10, 11
Chapters 12, 13, 14
Chapters 15, 16, 17

Coming up:
Chapters 21, 22, 23
Chapter 24 and Epilogue


~Sass~

Twilight: The Lost Script

This deserves it's own post. Why? Because it's full of win. Thanks amybai for the link a few posts back. You have no idea how much I <3 you right now! (And I lawled in the office, just so you know.)

Twilight: The Lost Script

The entire book (so far) can actually be summed up on the 5th slide there. It goes something like this (quoted straight from that article):

EDWARD: Oh my God! What happened to your ears! Did someone hurt you, my love?

BELLA: What? I can't hear you. I'm wearing my earbuds and rocking out. Have I told you today that you are gorgeous? Your torso looks like it's carved from marble. Who cares that your skin's so cold... more I have to wear a blanket when we snuggle? You're yummy!

EDWARD: OK, if you can't hear me, then I will whisper the words I've longed to utter for a century. I love you. Love, love, love, kissy, kissy.

BELLA: Um, Edward, I was just kidding. I can still hear you when I have my earbuds on.

EDWARD: I meant every word of it. You are the sweet love of my life. My nostrils flare to embrace your intoxicating scent.

BELLA: Do you have any Tic Tacs? I feel like I should, I don't know, eat a breath mint or something. We're going to kiss soon, right?

EDWARD: I fear my passions will overwhelm me. Let us just hold hands and take another ride in my swift, swift Volvo.

BELLA: Can't hear you. Earbuds.

Arr Ohh Eff Ell, I saiz.

Quote of the day:

(Young Frankenstein)
Elizabeth: [singing, while having sex with the monster] Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!


~Sass~

Twilight 15-17

So where was... oh, right. The Sleepover. Look, even Edward is like "srsly?" in this picture.


CHAPTER 15

Mmkay, well, it's the "morning after" (kind of) and he's merely cheerful instead of unstable and creepy. This is acceptable. You may pass go. You may collect $200.

She loves him? She loves him? And he's all Han Solo like "I know." Not really but close enough... anyway, he doesn't return the sentiment. All he does is pull another Edward creepy moment with the "you are my life now." Honestly, WTF kind of response is that? Hi, I'm Edward, and I'll be your stalker for the next few decades. Would you like me to shadow your every move today or just listen in on all your conversations? I can be flexible.

She has a sense of humor? Where did that come from?

Creepy Edward behavior # something (I lost count): He's watching her eat.

Alice, eh. Sounds like she knows what's goin' on and Edward doesn't like it. I like her already and she isn't even in the book yet.

What's with the cheek thing! Stop touching her face already. You're going to give her a zit. Or vampire cooties. Or something.

WTF? Now she's a fainter?

lololololol okay yes I like Alice. What a hoot. (I just said "what a hoot" didn't I? Apparently I've suddenly moved back to my hometown without realizing it. 'Sup, y'all?)

Yes, yes, there's danger coming to town, we know you're going to be overly protective. Move along. (And there we go again with the being satisfied when she looks somewhat frightened.)

He did not just do that. (tear tasting)


Yes, I am satisfied with my earlier assessment that Edward is bipolar, 'coz this is complete 180 from yesterday. Between his bipolar creepiness and her clinical depression, they're going to make for an interesting couple. And by interesting, I mean like reality show interesting, like "I Love Money" interesting. I need to start making Twilight based FAIL pictures.


CHAPTER 16

More vampy background stuff. Carlisle is a decent guy so far. Sounds like good people.

Enough with the scariness. She isn't afraid of you dude, and you pouncin' on her is not going to change that. Got it?

Wait, why does there have to be thunder outside for them to play baseball? I'm confused. I'll probably get an answer here in a few pages, but I'm still confused.


CHAPTER 17

Woah, moar confooshun. They were gonna go play baseball and then suddenly Edward was dropping her off at her dad's house. And osnap, the Blacks are back.

... and they're gone again. They seem to have this thing with appearing, making a statement, and leaving again. Seems kind of convenient.

Wha..? She is really not good at transitioning scenes. Charlie just sat down to talk to Edward (she announced her intentions) and then Bella was all "let's go" and they went. No talking other than "so you're going to play baseball?" What was the point, then? I would have edited that scene out or gave it more dialogue. More something. That was highly pointless.

K, the neck kissing was kind of hot.

Esme is nice too, I've decided this.

"You don't mind, then?" I asked, hesitant again. "That I'm... all wrong for him?"
"No." She was thoughtful. "You're what he wants. It will work out, somehow," she said, though her forehead creased with worry.

^^ Foreshadowing, yer doin' it obvious.

Oh, oh! What's this? We can has bad dudes? Traditional bad dudes? /popcorn

Nooooooooooooooooo... something interesting was finally happening! GDI. You guys may get two posts tonight.




Better chapters here. Not so much emo, more concentration on actual story stuff like backgrounds and, yannow, some stuff happening that doesn't only involve Edward and Bella. Much better than yesterday's reading session, I tell you what.

More to come in a few. Damned insatiable curiosity.

AM UPDATE: I decided it was too late and I needed to get sleep, and I have class tonight, so no updates until late again. Not like that's a stray from the norm since I've been posting these things after I should have already gone to bed. Heh.


Previously reviewed:
Prologue, 1, 2
Chapters 3, 4, 5
Chapters 6, 7, 8
Chapter 9, 10, 11
Chapters 12, 13, 14

Coming up:
Chapters 18, 19, 20
Chapters 21, 22, 23
Chapter 24 and Epilogue


~Sass~

Twilight 12-14

Firstly, I have to stop and offer compliments to the casting director for choosing Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black. You, sir (or ma'am), have outdone yourself in a bid to melt teenage hearts everywhere.

(plus, yannow, I'm a die hard werewolf fan, and well, that just makes this even better)



Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled programming.


CHAPTER 12

Hmm... can't quite see the point of Billy and Jacob Black coming over for a visit. It was pretty random, and was over really fast. I mean, yeah, Billy saw and identified Edward, and Jacob confirmed the name, but that was about it. Literally nothing else happened during that scene. Seems kind of unnecessary.

Bella woke up feeling blissful! Amigahd! She does have other emotions!

Okay Edward. We've gone over this before. The whole "dangerous" thing? Doesn't work on Bella. You're like a hundred years old or something. You're smart (maybe). Figure it out already and quit egging her on. At this point your continued efforts to try and intimidate her are coming across as transparent bait-and-switch maneuvers, and it doesn't make you look very nice.

I do have to stop here and say that I know some people have a serious problem with x-year old vamps falling in love with mere mortals. Now, this doesn't just apply to this story, so I'm not making excuses for Meyer, but I want to state my opinion on this issue. Think of it this way: vampires, as portrayed in most modern fiction, are simply humans that lack a heartbeat and happen to have a taste for blood. They anger, they smile, they flirt. They can be disappointed. They can be severely emo. Want to commit vampire suicide. Some of them even cry. Lots of modern ones even still have sympathy or respect for their fellow humans. Point is, authors are trying to make them more human.

Why, then, is it so hard to believe that vampires can be susceptible to sudden inexplicable urges such as puppy love for a particular human? Even if said human is several hundred years their junior, this still makes sense to me. In fact, it makes more sense, because it's kind of a "forbidden" thing. What happens when you tell someone they can't have or do something? The first thing they want to do is go after that passion, go after that forbidden fruit. Agewise they're old, but they don't physically appear old, which negates the icky old guy factor, and they legitimately think they still have a chance with the laydeez. Okay, they're kind of dead, but if they move around and interact with things and retain their intelligence they are not going to feel dead, and potential partners won't treat them like they are.

Being a hundred years old doesn't automatically excuse said vampire from making very human mistakes, nor does it automatically make them smarter. Come on, I know at least one of you reading this blog has come across a person several years your senior who has the emotional maturity of someone at least ten years younger than you. Vampires are not exempt from this. They seem to be prone to it, in fact... I mean, how did they become vampires in the first place? They got emo-attached to a vampire (in modern lore). Even if they were randomly attacked, if they were "turned" by their attacker (willfully, not accidentally), that original vampire is going to have the issues I mentioned above (thinking they can spend eternity with the same person and no one else? srsly), and what happens when you hang out with a bunch of moody, immature dead things for a hundred years? Guess what? The attitude rubs off. The habits are picked up.

Edward's family wants him to stay away from humans (being alone with them) lest he lose control. So what happens when he finds one human he's kind of interested in? It gets blown out of proportion. He's going to become fixated on it, probably to an unhealthy point (so far, it looks like this is going to happen in the story). Let's use the forbidden fruit example. Deny yourself for so long and eventually you are going to say eff this and gorge yourself on said forbidden fruit. Edward, after denying himself human company for so long, is binging on Bella's company. Is she the best girl out there? No. Is she the prettiest? Probably not. Is she available? Yes. So this whole 100 year or whatever vamp falling for a teenage girl? After showing you my reasoning -- absolutely believable.

Do I approve of the behavior? No. That's an entirely separate issue. But it is believable. Is it romantic? No. And I probably just spoiled vampires for some of you, but it's realistic. I'm not saying true love or love at first sight or whatever doesn't exist. I'm just sayin' it doesn't exist to the extent fiction writers make it seem. Anyway, onwards with the reading.

Hmm. She's starting to push away her friends in favor of Edward. Not healthy. Oh, and lying to everyone. That'll keep her out of trouble for all of three seconds.

Why is he angry that she didn't tell anyone she was out with him? I mean, it's not the usual kind of worry. He acts like since she didn't tell anyone then she's going to die a horrible death-by-fangs or something. If Edward were really that worried, he wouldn't go in the first place. Honestly. He's a few fangs short of a vampire nest, if you know what I mean.

Oh for the love of... "the marble contours of his chest"... /raises book like she's gonna throw it. Quit bein' so damned sparkly already.

Anyone else notice he was strangely relieved when he thought Bella was finally scared of him?


CHAPTER 13

Oh Christ, she really does describe him as sparkly? I... guh... Crap, I thought that was a joke. ...He sparkles?...

Okay, now he's deliberately trying to frighten her. [next page] Okay, and now he's trying to say he's sorry and he'll never do it again. How many of you have heard this before? Yeah, I thought so. And now I officially no longer like Edward.

And he's bipolar! This guy is so full of unstable he's starting to be worse than Bella.

Yes, I called this one. So what happens when he finds one human he's kind of interested in? It gets blown out of proportion. He's going to become fixated on it, probably to an unhealthy point. Her scent drives him crazy. He wants to kill her and kiss her all at the same time. Unhealthy attachment, and he isn't distancing himself from her like he should. It isn't anything as romantic as love and it isn't going to end well.

"I'm here... which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you." I frowned. "I'm an idiot." YES. YES YOU ARE. This is the part where you regain sanity and say to hell with the sparkly vampires. But you're not going to do that, are you? Of course not. It's the damned female tendency to love what does not want to be (or in this case, cannot be) loved.

Oh, oh, oh... oh honey, stay away from the throat... /exhale in a hiss. /lets go of the arm rests. Srsly, I think he is trying to kill her. Why is he testing his boundaries so shortly after admitting he has like no control around her?

Hmm. Forest nookie? Ahh, no, they're just going for a little flight on Air Edward.


Okay, we were doing much better Bella-wise. Now Edward is the one flaking out on us. The narration is fine, and Meyer handles the awkward moments well, to the point where I want to like it, but I cannot stand the combination of characters. Edward and Bella are a train wreck. That's all there is to it. And like a train wreck, you don't want to look but can't look away. There. I have discovered the success of the Twilight series.


CHAPTER 14

Interesting vamp background. Not so interesting to confirm he actually was spying on her for a while. Irritating that she found it kind of flattering. [later] Wait, is he actually *in* the room when he watches her? CREEPY.

Oops! Dad's home. And of course Edward doesn't leave. Oh no. He hides in her room. 'Coz that's totally smart and all, what with the self-admitted issues with self control around Bella.

"Bring on the shackles -- I'm your prisoner." But his long hands formed manacles around my wrists as he spoke. Symbolic, yes? Yes, I thought so too.

How cute, they "love" each other. Bella is a virgin (NO WAI!) and she wants to give it up to Edward. /puke

And they fell asleep together.


Let me just say that I am beyond disgusted and creeped out right now. Edward is the type of guy who is too obsessed to begin with, the type that if anything ever happened to Bella or she split with him, he would handle it very, very badly. Very badly. I cannot begin to express to you the negative thoughts and emotions surfacing that relate to my ex (who was very much an Edward). And Bella? TSTL. She's willfully throwing herself to the wolves, and she doesn't care. She's an idiot. This is a train wreck a la the Romeo and Juliet relationship. Except, you know, worse. Because he's a vampire and this has the potential to go on for an eternity.

Stephanie Meyer can write. She can write interesting personalities (as long as it isn't one of the main characters). She can write drama. That'll keep a lot of readers hooked, but I'm sorry, I can't stand the characters, and no amount of extra fun in the form of secondary characters is going to keep me hooked. (But I will still finish this as I'm morbidly curious now to see how badly this all ends. See the car crash phenomenon mentioned earler.)

Also, this comic is starting to make more sense to me now.


More to come. Stay tuned...


Previously reviewed:
Prologue, 1, 2
Chapters 3, 4, 5
Chapters 6, 7, 8
Chapter 9, 10, 11

Coming up:
Chapters 15, 16, 17
Chapters 18, 19, 20
Chapters 21, 22, 23
Chapter 24 and Epilogue


~Sass~

Twilight 9-11

CHAPTER 9

Huh. He can't "hear" Bella's thoughts. That sounds oddly like... oh, what was that character... Sookie Stackhouse. Except this time it's the vampire that can read minds and it's the girl's thoughts that are hidden. (Did anyone else catch that or is that just me watching too much True Blood recently?)

Looks like this chapter is going to be one of those "as you know, Bob"s. This is fine by me as it doesn't leave Bella a lot of wiggle room to get all high maintenance.

He can't sleep? That... that just sucks. What does he do? (besides stalk Bella) How does he stay sane? Brains need sleep time. Reminds me of that guy that hasn't slept in like seven years or something ridiculous like that. Imma have to look him up later on Google.

She's tearing up at the thought of the car ride ending, of Edward leaving. Please, hon, quit being so needy. You will live if Edward isn't there. Hell, your life expectancy might go up.

Edward! Stop telling her you're dangerous. That is attractive to teenage girls. It's like telling a woman to refrain from eating chocolate and then setting a whole damn cake in front of her. And anyway, we get it. Just because you're friggin' sparkly doesn't mean you can pull a Bella and be all down on yourself. Leave that up to her. Trust me, she does it enough for the both of you.

Aww, they almost kissed. Idnit speshel.


CHAPTER 10

Edward is there in the morning to take her to school, unannounced. I'm trying to decide whether or not this is creepy.

*snort* I bet Jessica thinks they spent the night together. ... Ahh, nope. All she wanted to know was whether or not they kissed. I forgot how friggin' innocent some teenagers can be.

"Liquid topaz" eyes. This guy is like a regular mood ring... he's been gold and black so far, and now topaz. Isn't that a Mary Sue-ism or something? (Not like I can really nitpick this one as I concentrate pretty heavily on eyes in my own WIP. Werewolves and all. Gotta know to run when you see gold.)

And they're fighting over which one loves the other more. Gag me with a spoon.

Creepy Edward moment #3 - tell Charlie (her dad) you're going out with me. Why? His eyes were suddenly fierce. "To give me some small incentive to bring you back." Mental image there was of Bella dead on the side of the road with Edward going emo about having killed her by accident. Or, worse yet, they run away to be "together forever." This is on the right path so far to turn into a Romeo and Juliette train wreck of epic proportions.


CHAPTER 11

I think I'm starting to get numb to the irritating behaviors of Edward and Bella. Either that or it's late. Or maybe both. Some stuff made my eyes roll but nothing really worth a comment so far.

Sometimes it was so easy to like Mike. I was gonna say go ahead and go date him already, but then I thought... the guy is going to be happier without her, so never mind.

Perceptive guy, Mike is. "He looks at you like... like you're something to eat." Mebbe coz he's a vampire or something. I do appreciate the intelligence, though. At least someone is suspicious of the Cullens rather than bein' all zomg teh sparkulz!

Creepy Edward behavior #4 -- he listens in on all of her conversations.

Picked her up for school again. For as much as he says she should stay away from him, he sure does make it damn near impossible.

Creepy Edward behavior #5 -- he keeps running his hand down the side of her face.

Oh teh shit is going to hit the fan. Jacob's dad saw Edward with her. The Blacks are on the alert. (Wait... Black... Sirius Black... also a man into canine sort of person... did Meyer realize what was going on in her subconscious?)



I'm beginning to see why some people like the books. Some of the secondary characters are pretty interesting, and they have way better (and more believable) personalities than Bella. If I were beta reading this for Meyer, I would have told her to chuck the first few chapters and tone down Bella's misery. Like, almost rewrite her completely. It is possible to have a depression-laden character that isn't so infuriating to the readers but you have to know how to pull it off. She didn't pull it off. My sympathy (and empathy) for her right now is zero. Between the woe-is-me, the I'm-not-worthy, and the TSTL syndrome, I've already dismissed her. She doesn't even try in some things. Like gym. She automatically thinks she's going to suck and so she does. Self-fulfilling prophecy. Again, the clumsy thing is all mental. Has nothing to do with her motor skills or hand / eye coordination.

Anyway, it's late. Stay tuned for your daily dose of teenaged angst.


Previously reviewed:
Prologue, 1, 2
Chapters 3, 4, 5
Chapters 6, 7, 8

Coming up:
Chapters 12, 13, 14
Chapters 15, 16, 17
Chapters 18, 19, 20
Chapters 21, 22, 23
Chapter 24 and Epilogue


~Sass~

Twilight 6-8

CHAPTER 6

Ahh, finally, someone is beginning to dislike Bella. Oddly enough, she's not as pessimistic this chapter (so far). She even called the forests "gorgeous" and was excited about the semi-sunny day. Hell, she's almost downright tolerable in this chapter.

Enter Jacob. So far he's a nice enough guy. The "scary story" was cutely told. I don't know that I like Bella leading him on in order to glean information, but she's still not being pessimistic, so I can deal with it. This is a surprisingly good chapter so far.

Oh, woops, teh end. Yeah, definitely a much better chapter. Please to keep this up, Steph, kk? No moar woe-is-me or I'm-not-worthy? Please? Maybe?


CHAPTER 7

Dreams! Relevant dreams. Life-threatening dreams. Werewolf vs Vampire vs Human (teh fux, why is Mike in the dream? lol. Poor guy) /popcorn

Blah, blah, blah... more pretty tolerable stuff... hey, is this the part where she listens to Linkin Park?

Oh great, she's going into the forest. Alone. Didn't you ever watch B movies, Bella? Srsly. /throws popcorn at imaginary movie screen

"Could the Cullens be vampires?" NO WAI! /gasp Oh, but he's so dreamy, I want to be with him even if... *covers own mouth in mock horror*

He smiled back, his brown eyes crinkling around the edges. When Charlie smiled, it was easier to see why he and my mother had jumped too quickly into an early marriage.

Do you see this, Bella? This is me glaring at you through the pages of the book. I'm boring a hole in your pale, depressed head. Lissin to yerself. Learn from your mother's mistakes.

Oh Christ, here she goes getting depressed again. This girl is needy. You'd think the world just ended for how sad she is about Edward not being in class for a day. Hardcore unhealthy puppy love. I remember it well. I also killed it viciously (the love, not the puppy. jeeze).

At least the chapter ends on a positive note about Bella getting happier. I kind of feel sorry for Mike, though. Between vampires and werewolves most chicks choose the vampire, and between monsters and humans everyone picks the monsters. Poor things. Humans get no love anymore. (And honestly, I would have stuck with Mike and said to hell with Edward or Jacob. The guy is sweet, and genuinely interested.)


CHAPTER 8

*snort* Ha! Go Tyler. (the prom thing)

Okay, come on. If you get lost in an unfamiliar town, you go back the way you came. You do not try to circle around the block or anything else that might qualify you as TSTL (too stupid to live). We went over this in the forest. You admitted you had like no sense of direction or something. Don't take shortcuts through warehouse-ville trying to find your way back.

Cornered. Yeah. TSTL. /sigh

Oh damn! It's Edward to the rescue, and he's pissed (rightfully so, in this case). Who saw that one coming? /raises hand

Crap. I kind of like Edward right now. He's all carefully contained violence with a softy heart and infuriatingly vague answers and... no! BAD Sassee! You have your own alpha male, concentrate on him. Think happy werewolf thoughts... big, muscly, deep-voiced werewolf thoughts... *stops to ponder if she should maybe go read her own WIP for the steamy scene*

Wait, never mind. Edward was following her all day? /creepy

My eyeballs, they roll. Edward is a drama queen.



Okay, that was better than the first few chapters. Bella was merely TSTL rather than overwhelmingly depressing. I'll take TSTL over that earlier attitude any day. This is getting marginally more interesting only because I have a faux crush for every alpha male I come across in fiction. Usually this is fixed by some sort of unacceptable behavior by said alpha male. If rumor is true I shall not be disappointed.

For now I have cautious optimism that we are leaving behind annoying-as-fux Bella. TSTL Bella I can deal with as long as it isn't depressed-as-all-hell Bella (God, that's kind of sad, isn't it?).


More to come later!


Previously reviewed:
Prologue, 1, 2
Chapters 3, 4, 5

Coming up:
Chapters 9, 10, 11
Chapters 12, 13, 14
Chapters 15, 16, 17
Chapters 18, 19, 20
Chapters 21, 22, 23
Chapter 24 and Epilogue


~Sass~

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good idea: Offer to pay your outstanding balance.

Bad idea: Offer to pay your outstanding balance with a picture of a spider.

(If this is too small to read, click here.)

Twilight 3-5

Twilight readings, continued.



CHAPTER 3

Okay, I think I got it now. She has a phobia of being happy. How else do you explain this sentence?

"I felt excited to go to school, and that scared me."

What? Really?

And you "should" avoid Edward after yesterday? Why? Good God, girl. Is there a spine anywhere in that mush you call your back? It's okay to be embarrassed, but don't make it your epic superpower of depression.

Plus, she hates snow. Now, I can understand hating ice. She's insecure-clumsy (entirely different than lack of muscle coordination). Ice is like her kryptonite. But she looks out the window at snow in the morning like someone dropped a bunch of dead bodies on the lawn. At this point, she is either really failing the sarcasm check, or the mood is tacked on. Either way, the behavior is starting to come across as fake. (I say this because she'll start moving towards positive narration or positive thoughts and then shies away from it like it's going to kill her. No! I'm going out of character! Must go back to cranky!)

... and she doesn't like the attention from boys. It's "disconcerting." My eyebrow, it slices the air.

Okay, wait. I'm not even 3 pages into here and I have to keep stopping for a comment. "I wasn't used to being taken care of"... but her mother stayed home while her new husband went out to work so that she could be with her daughter, be there for her daughter, and emails her daughter wanting to know if she's okay and does she like it up there in Washington. Then some of her fellow students offer to walk her to classes and cover her butt in gym class. But she's not used to being taken care of. Right. That's believable. De Nile, hon. It ain't a river in Egypt.

The rescue was pretty cool. Edward is understandably denying he did much of anything, and Bella is on to him (finally, she sticks to her guns), but now he's being kind of an ass to her in the hospital. And I do have to admit having a similarity to Bella. I also tear up and go silent when I get angry. It annoys the piss out of me, too.


CHAPTER 4

Ah ha! A chapter that didn't start out with a negative comment. Progress!

And her mom finally notices that she's depressed through the "tone" of her emails. Um... did you MISS your daughter's behavior before or were you just ignoring it? Honestly. Depression is pretty damn hard to miss, especially with such a pessimistic person.

Still wondering about Edward. Eye-changing, fist clenching, ignoring, etc.

Beginning to wonder if the guys' interest in her is genuine attraction to her or more of a male dominance / pissing contest thing. See who can get the first date with the new girl. I'm not saying it's that openly hostile. More of a subtle thing. But it's there. Could turn into actual attraction. Just thought I'd toss that out.

"I couldn't allow him to have this level of influence over me. It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy."

I think I just fainted.

Okay, the middle of this chapter is amusing. See, I knew Stephanie could do better. Now if she just keeps it up through the rest of the novel...

GDI. I spoke too soon. More woe-is-me. And oh, here we go with the sparkly vampires. He doesn't like me, but oh, he's so dreamy... /puke.

More amusement. I really do like the irritated banter. I'm a sucker for it, and she does it well.

Oh hey! I found my first creepy Edward comment/behavior/thing! "But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella!" It sounds like a line, you know? Hint of stalker. Dash of complimentary to cover it up.


CHAPTER 5

Well, I guess Edward gets points for admitting he's not a good guy and actually warns Bella about it multiple times. Gives her a chance to back out while she still can. (ooooo, look at me being all foreshadowy and creepylike)

Okay, this bothers me:

"So, as long as I'm being... not smart, we'll try to be friends?" I struggled to sum up the confusing exchange.
"That sounds about right."

--_--

Banter, banter, banter... I've decided that's her strength. She should run with it more often.

Hey now, what's this? A fear of blood or a fear of needles? Ahh, blood. *snort* Wonder how that'll go over when she starts gettin' more serious with Edward. Even he thinks it's amusing.

Yes, Mike's behavior is confirming my earlier theory. I think him and the other 2 boys want to be the first to date Bella so that they can claim a victory over sparkly Edward (and yes, there may be some genuine concern and affection there, but that's not as interesting as my mini conspiracy theory and you know it).

Creepy Edward behavior #2 -- get in the car or else. Also, I lawled when she said her mom thought she was born 35 years old and she was all "well, someone has to be the adult." Coz she's so mature and all. (Though this is fairly typical if a little more obvious than usual behavior. Damn teenagers think they know everything.)

More banter. I like the banter. Did I mention that?



Overall, the tally is still take-it-or leave it. Some amusing parts. A lot of frustrating parts. When I picked up the book this evening to read it I almost put it right back down again, chapter 3 annoyed me that much. The only reason I kept reading was that I said I was going to read it. But after that it got more tolerable and during the banter it was actually enjoyable. Again, I have no problem with her writing. From a reader's point of view, she writes very well. But Bella needs to be on anti-depressants or something. I'm happy that she's gaining a personality but she strikes me as very high emotional maintenance.

More to come later!


Previously reviewed:
Prologue, 1, 2

Coming up:
Chapters 6, 7, 8
Chapters 9, 10, 11
Chapters 12, 13, 14
Chapters 15, 16, 17
Chapters 18, 19, 20
Chapters 21, 22, 23
Chapter 24 and Epilogue


~Sass~

Prepare for Bella

Twilight. Yeah, I'm readin' it. I decided that I needed to form my own valid, first-hand-experienced opinion of it. And guess what? You guys get to join me! Aren't you excited? I'm going to review it chapter by chapter as I read. Teh fun, I can hardly stand it.



(I may be going into this a little biased, if you couldn't tell.)

My purpose here is two-fold. I want to find out why the hell everyone either really loves or really hates this book, and I want to gain some personal insight about how not to write a main character. Why, you ask. Why would I make that judgment before reading it? For starters, even the people that liked the book don't really like Bella. They like all the other characters and the general storyline. I hear she's pretty whiny or some such and I want to make sure I avoid that (because I do have a character that starts out passive, and I don't want her to incite such a strong negative response from some readers).

So... here we go. First few chapters.


PROLOGUE

Erm... was there a point here? Onoes she's gonna die but not really coz the book is about vampires? I've only read this little bit and I see that trick coming from a mile away.

Writing style isn't bad, though. Onward.


CHAPTER 1

Why do we not find out immediately why she's moving back to Washington state? She obviously doesn't want to go. Is she masochistic? She's pretty depressing, I tell you what. My high school experience wasn't all rainbow poops and candy mountain either, but I don't remember being quite that depressed. Even the days I came home and cried I wasn't that down on myself. I mean, I was depressed, but I wasn't thinking zomg I are teh suck no one loves me /crai. It was more of a frustration thing. I can very quickly see how Bella needs to get over herself and look for something happy to focus on. Or at least seek some professional help for that depression. Also, she fails the sarcasm check. A lot.

Edward is kind of amusing. I expect him to pop a vein at any moment (pun not intended). Got me curious as to what his deal is, coz that guy is pissed as all hell.

The writing style isn't bad. I'm enjoying it. (She needs to work on her flow, though, and there's some noobish mistakes in here... says the noob. Shush.) I kind of wish she had picked a different character or even a different story, TBH, because this one isn't doing her justice. I understand that my expressed opinions may be her intention but come on woman! You can do better. I mean that as the highest form of compliment, not a put down. She needed to drop Bella like a sack of potatoes and try something more positive. Maybe the writing community would have been more forgiving of mistakes had she actually written a likable main character.

Anyway, on to chapter 2.


CHAPTER 2

"The next day was better... and worse."

First line and already annoyed. Srsly, we know you don't like where you are in life. Stop it. Also, she's very fixated on beauty. I mean, a lot of teenagers (or people in general, I suppose) are fixated on appearance, but she's very much all about people's beauty. This is contrary, I think, to most people with her sort of attitude -- isn't she supposed to be jealous and downplaying their beauty? Hmm.

Gotta find out the deal with Edward. Why's he avoiding her? [later] Wait, no, there he is. And Bella seems to rise from her funk when she talks with him. They should talk more often so there is less woe-is-me going on.

I kind of like Bella's dad, Charlie. He seems nice. And poor Mike the Classmate stands no chance against the likes of a vampire that sparkles. Sorry dude.



Overall, the book is very take it or leave it for me right now. I'm continuing to read it because I'm bored out of my mind and I told you guys I would read it and comment on it. We'll see how I feel in a few more chapters.


More to come later. Stay tuned!


Coming up:
Chapters 3, 4, 5
Chapters 6, 7, 8
Chapters 9, 10, 11
Chapters 12, 13, 14
Chapters 15, 16, 17
Chapters 18, 19, 20
Chapters 21, 22, 23
Chapter 24 and Epilogue


~Sass~

Happy Fun Ball... IRL

Srsly.

Remember this SNL sketch?



Now check this out... we made one. (Sort of.)

Does anyone else wonder if they blew up a lab testing that thing? 'Coz that would be ossim.

Just beware, bad doods of the world... do not taunt happy fun ball.


~Sass~

Yep, They Still Get Bonuses

Financial insitutions we bailed out will still give bonuses to their executives, but, you know, they'll be reduced by as much as 70%.

Good to know where my tax money went.

Quote of the Day:

(Wall Street)
Gordon Gekko: The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA.


~Sass~

Gen X'ers

This chick nailed it on the head.

***NOTE: If you don't care much for Obama, skip the first few paragraphs. But read the rest because it's a damned accurate portrayal of our generation.

An open apology to boomers everywhere

***ANOTHER NOTE: Okay, I was born in '83, I'm not Gen X. But my parents were baby boomers, so this still counts.


~Sass~

All I Want For Xmas...

... is a zombie plush!



It should probably say something about me that this is the cutest friggin' thing I've seen all year, and I would absolutely *squee* in delight if I actually got one as a present.

Yeah, I'm warped.

But look at it. The legs come off... the arms come off... the head comes off... you can remove its brain. And the little sticky things that velcro the pieces together can be mixed and matched, so you could switch arms and legs and stuff. This thing is so full of win I can't hardly stand it!

So yeah. Someone buy me this thing for Christmas.

Quote of the Day:

(My Boyfriend's Back)
Dr. Bronson: Okay, well, you're dead. Which is unusual, because we don't normally see this much activity in a dead person.


~Sass~

Wal-Mart? Srsly?

Caught up on my daily blog reading and was highly disturbed by a Smart Bitches article.

Apparently, Wal-Mart can make or break an author.

You don't sell well (or at all) at Wal-Mart, you don't get your contract renewed for a second book. Or you have a damned hard time of it. They are the world's largest bookseller (wtf?) and they control your numbers like a pimp controls his 'ho.

As an aspiring first time author, this scares the shit out of me.

Now, Smart Bitches normally only focuses on Romance. I write Urban Fantasy. How does this affect me?

Urban Fantasy is one of those genres that rides the line between three prominent genres: Fantasy, Romance, and Mystery (sometimes a fourth: Horror). And while I don't generally hear about a lot of Urban Fantasy hitting the Mystery shelves, I have personally come across a lot of cross-shelving between Urban Fantasy and Paranormal Romance. If the book doesn't sell well as one genre, they can stick it in the other and watch the sales grow. My book has a strong relationship element to it and an editor may even sell the book as the relationship being the major plot point (which is what defines a book as Romance). So I could very well become a Romance author instead of a Fantasy author, and in that case, I'll have to rely on Wal-Mart to get my book out there.

It makes me ill.

But hey, I shouldn't be counting my chickens before they hatch. I'm not published yet, I haven't even queried anything, so I could be worrying for nothing.

But it still makes me ill.

Quote of the Day:

Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?
-- Paris Hilton


~Sass~

Oh Snap

Yes, sir. Yes we can.

/virtual fistbump




Quote of the Day:

Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it's only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential.
-- Barack Obama


~Sass~

Tricksy Voters

I so pilfered the image from Google. Couldn't help myself. Fit the post I'm about to write.

This isn't about who I'm voting for, or who I think is going to win, or how very tired I am of this election (good God, are we there yet? srsly).

This is about those assholes that think if you don't agree with them, you shouldn't be voting.

Those of you that read the news yesterday (or even over the weekend) probably saw this, and I read it yesterday too. Thing is, I was so pissed off I couldn't even blog about it. I thought hey, we're in the twenty-first century, there's still some pretty fucked up shit out there but we're getting better. There are debates, there is some progress on the emotional / political / everything front. We're not perfect but we're working on it.

I really, really, hate being wrong.

This article caused me to lose a little faith (a lot, actually) in my fellow countrymen.

In Philly:
-- fliers stating if you have unpaid parking tickets or criminal convictions you'll be arrested at the polls

In Virginia:
-- fliers stating that there are so many voters turning out for the election that there will, in fact, be two elections: Repubs vote on Tuesday, Dems vote on Wednesday

In New Mexico:
-- a P.I. hired by a Repub lawyer harrassed a couple of hispanic women wanting to see proof of citizenship to show that their voter registration was legit

In Pennsylvania:
-- emails targeting Jewish-Americans circulated linking Obama to the holocost, telling them that they "cannot afford to make the wrong decision on Tuesday, Nov. 4"
-- leaflets saying people with prior criminal offenses will be arrested if they show up to vote
-- fliers stating Obama is more sympathetic to Palestinians than to Israel

In Nevada:
-- phone calls from bogus Obama supporters urging Latino citizens to vote over the phone


Really? Really? Sigh.

What is it with this fear of "the other guy winning"? Why do people get so afraid about what will happen if their chosen candidate loses? What goes on in their head that they start justifying mistreatment of their fellow citizens in order to validate themselves and their choice for president / senator / governer / whatever? Are we that insecure? It's like someone draws a line in the sand and says if you're not on the right side you are devilspawn and I must kill you now. Literally, I think this goes through people's heads.

But it doesn't make sense.

What kind of conditioning have we grown up with to fear our fellow man that much? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to sit around in a circle holding hands and singing Kumbaya. But for fuck's sake, could we maybe not be so defensive and instead try to, I don't know, restrain ourselves from beating the crap out of each other both mentally and physically every time there's some sort of disagreement? Can we not maybe say, hey, I disagree with you, but this is America and I respect the fact that you have an opinion even if it isn't the same as mine? Apparently this is too hard of a concept for a lot of people to grasp.

Honestly, this sort of thing should be a big clue for the fanatics out there. If you have to resort to trickery, if you have to stoop that low in order to influence the polls, then maybe -- just maybe -- it wasn't meant to be. Sorry. That's how life goes. You can't win all the time, you shouldn't expect to win all the time, and you shouldn't go apeshit if you think you're going to lose. Losing is not a bad thing. It is not the end of the world. The universe will not implode on itself if we find out the other guy won. If I find out my choice for president didn't win, I'm not going to run out into the streets swinging an Uzi around and take out everyone in the immediate vicinity. You know what I'm going to do? I'll be pissed for a couple of days, and then I'll get over it. Despite what either party is saying right now, one person does not have that much influence over our country. Guess what? That's why we have a senate, a congress, all these local levels of government, etc etc. We have those checks and balances for a reason.

Last I checked, we all live in the same country. United States of America. See that? UNITED. It's right there in the name of our country. We are not the OMGPANIC States of America. We are not the GTFO States of America. We are not the Secular States of America.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Grow up, people. Seriously.


Quote of the Day:

(Team America)
Gary Johnston: We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!


~Sass~

Oh My

Remember when I showed you my first 51 word "phase" for the start of my NaNo novel? And I was like yeah, I can so turn this into 500 or 1000 words?

Yeah. It turned into 2200.

This is good in that I now know the phase thing works, but now it makes me think about it harder, because apparently I am very good at stretching word count. (What a surprise, right?) Means I need to map out the rest of my phases with a quickness. (No, I did not have them all planned and ready to go. Come on, you know me, I don't plan. lol)

The minimum word count needed per day is 1667 to make it to 50k by November 30th. My personal goal is 2k a day. I mean, it's only 333 words more, not that hard. Very much obtainable if I remember last year's experience correctly.

Only thing is, I wrote 1630 words on Saturday, and 743 on Sunday. I was supposed to have 3400 words to work with this morning and I only have 2373. Good 1k short of the minimum, and I had planned to write 4k by now. Not a very spectacular start.

Buuuuuut... I do like the story, and I'll continue on with it to see if I can get a decent chunk written this month. No one says you HAVE to get 50k. 40 or 45k would still be a nice accomplishment. It would be more than I've written the rest of this year, anyway. (Pretty sad, I know.)

So how is your NaNo going? Are you doing better than I am? Someone want to have a word war with me this week to keep me motivated?

Quote of the Day:

(Rocky Horror Picture Show)
Janet: What have you done to Brad?
Frank: Nothing. Why, do you think I should?


~Sass~